The idea is that you can get everything you need to know about an episode of The L Word from just the opening credits. If you know who was in an episode, you can remember what happened, right? Well, that’s my contention and I’m here to bring you the recap of final season of The L Word using nothing but the opening credits.
In this little universe, the opening credits begin after the last bit of “previously on The L Word” and end with the announcement of the director’s name.
Here are the season six regulars:
- Jennifer Beals: Bette Porter
- Leisha Hailey: Alice Pieszecki
- Laurel Holloman: Tina Kennard
- Mia Kirshner: Jenny Schecter
- Katherine Moennig: Shane McCutcheon
- Pam Grier: Kit Porter
- Rose Rollins: Tasha Williams
- Daniela Sea: Max Sweeney
- Rachel Shelley: Helena Peabody
- Marlee Matlin: Jodi Lerner
Long Night’s Journey into Day (S6, E1)
- Cops on a dark street. A cop drives up and gets out of a car. The cop is played by Lucy Lawless. Can you say homage? How about lesbian icon? Another cop explains to her that there are several women and a little girl in the house, a bit of alcohol. They walk toward the house.
- Inside we see everyone lined up in Bette and Tina’s living room on the couches. Bette is in a bathrobe and has wet hair. Angelica is on Tina’s lap. Shane is in a towel. Everyone is quiet, staring into space.
- A knock at the door and the cop comes in and introduces herself. Bette gets up and shakes her hand, introduces herself and her family. Lady cop compliments the lovely family. She says she will have to ask some questions.
- Outside by the pool we see more people moving a rolling stretcher with someone on it. They bring it through the living room. Bette and Tina try to hide Angelica’s eyes. We see that it’s Jenny on the stretcher, and she is D.E.A.D., dead.
- The music, palm trees, and character montage starts to roll. As is usual for these recaps, I’ll only point out the parts of this that are different from last season. And . . . nothing is different.
- 3 months earlier: we’re back at the cast party for the ending of filming of Les Girls
- Guest star: Lucy Lawless. Three cheers for Xena.
- Also guest starring Janina Gavankar, Kate French, Clementine Ford, Guinevere Turner
- Jenny is taking the microphone. She begins thanking people. People are scattered around a big room, listening. She wants to know where Niki is and someone shouts that she’s outside by the little pagoda. Jenny reveals that she’s madly in love with someone and wants to tell Niki.
- Directed by Ilene Chaiken at 4:25 minutes in.
Least Likely (S6, E2)
- At Niki’s place. She is surrounded by bikini clad hangers-on and people partying at her house. Niki is ranting about Jenny and how betrayed she feels about the “showman” bomb Jenny dropped on her. She doesn’t know what a showman is. One of her acolytes looks it up and announces, “it’s a phony romance that happens during a movie or a TV show, usually between the stars but it can also be the star and the director.” Niki is enraged even further by this news, shouts about how much money her last movie made, what a liar Jenny is. She chases off all her friends while yelling and throwing things. Then she says, “You are dead meat, Schecter. Dead.”
- The montage rolls.
- Elizabeth Berkley is a guest star.
- Helena and Kit are talking to a tall, black “woman” that they seem to regard as female even though it’s pretty obviously a guy in drag.
- Jane Lynch guest stars.
- Roger Cross guest stars. I gotta say, I’ve seen Roger Cross in at least 10 parts since this role on The L Word, but every time I see him I want to shout “Sunset Boulevard!”
- Helena and Kit want the woman, the fabulous Sunset Boulevard, to come and spin at The Hit Club.
- Guest starring Alexandra Hedison and Kate French.
- Kit feels up Sunset Boulevard’s biceps and exclaims about how hard they are. Sometimes the Porter women are just oblivious to the truth.
- Special guest Cybill Shepherd.
- Kit says something that makes it sound like she and Helena are not just business partners but romantic partners, which Sunset Boulevard decides is a good thing they’ve got going because who needs a man messing things up.
- In The Planet, Tasha is doing something at a computer. Alice is also typing away at a computer. Jenny observes their industriousness. Shane arrives just as a waitress approaches with food. The waitress gives Jenny a plate of waffles, while Shane watches carefully from another table. Jenny says she didn’t order it, the waitress points to Shane. Kit says, “Shane wants you to know that she made them especially for you.” Jenny asks Alice to tell Shane that she doesn’t want her waffles, which Alice actually does for her. It’s like junior high in here.
- Jenny gets up with the waffles, and passes by Bette and Tina as they enter. Tina thinks the waffles look good and is amazed when Jenny dumps them in a trash can.
- Directed by Rose Troche at 6:25 minutes in.
LMFAO (S6, E3)
- Busy office-bustle music. Tina walks through the office, looks at her phone. Aaron wants her.
- The second Tina enters Aaron’s office he starts yelling at her about the film going down in flames. He’s cursing, red-faced, pointing fingered and apoplectic. She doesn’t have a clue. She says, “Stop yelling at me and just tell me what’s going on.” He says the negative has been stolen. He thinks Jenny did it because she’s nuts. Since Tina is a friend of Jenny’s, he’s holding Tina responsible for getting the negative back.
- Tina says, “Fucking Jenny, I’m going to fucking kill you.”
- The montage rolls.
- Guest star: Roger Cross
- Bouncy music. White sheets. Sleeping.
- Guest star: Mei Melançon
- Special guest Cybill Shepherd
- The sleeping people are Shane, Jenny, and Jenny’s dog. Did you get that? Shane and Jenny in the same bed. This can’t be good. The dog wakes up Shane and she wakes up Jenny. Shane says, “Damn, I don’t know what to say.” They start kissing.
- Directed by Angela Robinson at 5:46 in.
Leaving Las Angeles (S6, E4)
- The Planet. Max and Tom are eating with Alice and Tasha. Jenny comes in, all smiles and good cheer, and says “How is the beautiful mother to be?” to Max, which pisses him off and Tom, too. Jenny doesn’t understand why Max doesn’t like being referred to as mother. Jenny, in her wisdom, cannot shut up and starts talking about how beautiful Max is with breasts and curves. Everyone at the table is looking at her in horror. Shane, who is suddenly there, too, is trying to get her to shut up but she won’t. Finally Max and Tom walk off.
- In the bathroom, Max stands over the sink, crying. Tom comes up, tries to be a comfort. Max says, “I hate her. I hate these hormones, I hate these tits and I hate these hips and I hate Jenny Schecter!” Max looks at himself in the mirror, sees a guy with a full beard looking back, and wipes his eyes.
- The regular cast montage begins. Why is Bette still alone in bed?
- Elizabeth Berkley guest stars.
- Back in The Planet over food. The group is talking about how they can’t believe Max is going to have a baby. Jenny says it was too late not to.
- Roger Cross is back. So are Alexandra Hedison and Mei Melançon.
- Tasha says in a few months all people will see are two gay dads raising a kid together. She thinks they will get to have it all.
- Bette and Tina are going to Laughlin, Nevada in the morning. Just when someone says, “What’s in Laughlin, Nevada,” Jenny blurts out, “I know who stole the negative.” She says it was William. Tina says that makes no sense. She’s right about this but believes Jenny’s crazy logic saying otherwise. Honestly, Tina. Jenny mentions William burning down a building for insurance reasons, which gets Shane’s attention bigtime, and says William faked the whole thing for insurance.
- Bette gets up because Kelly just arrived. Bette gives Tina a little smooch and goes to Kelly. Tasha asks again about Laughlin. Tina says they’re meeting a potential birth mother.
- Bette and Kelly come up, Bette introduces her to everyone. They walk off to sit at another table and everyone looks at Tina like who the hell is that? Tina explains Bette knew her at Yale and goes back to the birth mother story.
- Directed by Rose Troche at 6:13 minutes in.
Litmus Test (S6, E5)
- Bette and Tina both talk at once, apparently on two different phone calls. The table is littered with computers and staplers and pens and coffee cups. They are in The Planet. Tina says, “Half a million dollars?” to her phone and Alice and Tasha look up with interest. Alice says they just moved their office right in here. Bette says, next time I get the bright idea to double the square footage in my house talk me out of it. Off the phone, Tina says, “Jenny sold the script.” She says Jenny just banged out another script. There was a bidding war and it sold for half a mil. Helena says she wonders what it’s about this time. When Tina explains, Alice recites the description word for word with her because it is Alice’s idea. Alice says, “That’s my story!” She jumps up and walks off saying, “Schecter is so fucking dead.”
- The theme song, the montage, there it goes.
- Elizabeth Berkley is back.
- Alice is at Jenny’s door shouting, “Half a million dollars!”
- Alexandra Hedison is back.
- We have Kate French and Mei Melançon back again.
- Jenny says yeah, she’s so relieved about the money, and invites Alice out to celebrate. Alice continues to scream that it was her idea. Jenny acts innocent and discounts everything that Alice says. She says if her screenplay bears a resemblance to something Alice jotted down it’s pure coincidence. I thought Mia Kirshner was out Bette-Davising Bette Davis in season 6 with her total crazy, and this scene is a good example of it. Jenny maintains a straight face and a calm voice and completely disregards the facts. There’s some Jenny-only internal logic going on that is totally whacked.
- Directed by Angela Robinson at 5:39 minutes in.
Lactose Intolerant (S6, E6)
- Bouncy music, balloons, all the girls decorating and singing. Rose Rollins has on an Uh Huh Her tee shirt. Jenny has a gigantic lollipop. Shane and Alice are sucking helium and talking goofy. Jenny asks Jamie who she is and how she knows Max. Alice and Tasha claim Jamie.
- Helena and Dylan arrive, stopping on the way to the door for a few kisses. Dylan wants to get back in bed. Helena says we’ll leave early. Jenny and her giant lollipop answer the door. She says Helena and Dylan look happy together. Helena goes off for a drink and Jenny gives Dylan a big hug because she passed the test while everyone was watching her rebuff Niki. Dylan says to Helena what does she mean? Everyone stops in their tracks and stares in disbelief that Jenny is doing this. Jenny says some stuff about starting a relationship by being honest but Dylan walks off. Helena chases her out and turns to Shane and says, “I’m going to fucking kill your girlfriend.”
- Max arrives and everyone shouts, “Surprise” in a stunned and half-hearted way while Jenny smiles like the Cheshire Cat.
- The regular credits roll.
- Back at the baby shower. Max is in a seat of honor. Jamie comes up to introduce herself.
- Elizabeth Berkley guest stars.
- Jane Lynch is in the house. So are Roger Cross and Kate French.
- Helena comes back in crying and says Dylan is gone. Kit and Shane rush to comfort her.
- Alexandra Hedison and Mei Melançon guest.
- Bette, Tina and Alice are still processing Jenny’s horror show with the test revelations. Alice says they should grab Shane and make a run for it. Tina wants to give Jenny the benefit of the doubt but Alice and Bette aren’t allowing it.
- They play shower games.
- Directed by John Stockwell at 7:44 minutes in.
Last Couple Standing (S6, E7)
- A voice on a loud speaker talks about the gay and lesbian dance marathon. Alice is an organizer of the event. Bette is registering to participate. Alice says she and Tasha and Jamie are going to wipe the floor with Bette and Tina. Bette feigns indifference. Alice will share what they are doing if Bette will share what she and Tina are doing. No go. Alice wants to see the outfit Bette brought. No go. Then Bette belittles Alice’s outfit. Alice says, “Why are you so competitive?” and Bette says, “Me? What about you?” Alice says she plans to sweep it all with best dance, most money raised, and last couple standing. As Alice walks off, Bette gestures to everything happening in the room and says, “Look what you’ve done” with a smile. Alice smiles back with pride.
- Jenny approaches Bette. Jenny asks to talk to her privately. They move away from the registration table traffic and Jenny says, “Did you tell Tina what happened?” Bette says, “When?” and Jenny says, “You told her about you and Kelly? How she came to your house after the opening and you had sex with her?” Bette laughs, incredulous. Jenny says, “I saw you through the window.” Bette says, “I don’t know what you think you saw, but I can tell you however it appeared, nothing happened.” Jenny insists she saw something. Bette insists nothing happened. Jenny says, “Tina’s my friend. You know how it works. People find out about these things.” By now Bette is giving Jenny a look that should scare her into muteness, but it doesn’t. Tina arrives and they move off to get her registered. Bette turns back to Jenny with a look implying trouble if Jenny runs off her mouth about some non-existent sex with Kelly.
- Here come the regular credits.
- Roger Cross is a guest star.
- Dressing room. Lights, tables, makeup, mirrors.
- Kate French is a guest star.
- Alexandra Hedison and Mei Melançon are here.
- Bette and Tina are talking as they change into their dance clothes. Tina says she was offered a job as head of production. She describes how it happened. Bette grins really big. Bette grabs Tina and twirls her around, says, “You’re a fucking rock star,” and kisses her. Tina says, “It’s in New York.”
- Directed by Rose Troche at 6:20 minutes in.
Last Word (S6, E8)
- The interrogation room. Shane is talking about liking her freedom. She describes how she hated the way Jenny did certain things like always use the pronoun we as if she spoke for Shane as well as herself. When they put the For Sale sign in Bette and Tina’s house, Jenny asked Shane to say something for a film she was making. She put words in Shane’s mouth about Bette and Tina going to New York and how it was an adventure for Jenny and Shane, too, because Jenny and Shane will take their place as the supreme couple. Shane recoils from this statement.
- We see The L Word on a black background. No music, no rolling credits.
- This is the last episode, the credits are at the end. The final scene shows all the cast driving up to the police station and walking inside. Everyone smiles at each other, at the camera, and looks happy. It is a nice way to say goodbye.
- I’m gonna miss you all. A lot.
All images ©Showtime